Admitting there is a problem bigger than I am

So. Today has been rough. And that is an understatement.

My oldest daughter, has been stealing like crazy. She is only 5. Today I caught her stealing out of my purse and when I asked her about it she tried to run to her room (further confirmation that she had in fact stolen, if you don't have anything to hide, then you have no reason to hide). So I went after her and asked her what she took, and she told me she didn't take anything.

We have done this song and dance before and I have the choreography memorized. So, without further hesitation, I started to check her pockets.

She slapped and bit me which, I am sad to say, is pretty normal for her and I kept checking. Then, she kicked me. Twice. With shoes on. On purpose. She looked right at me and kicked me in the head.  

I have known for a long time that she had behavioral problems. But I always tried to fix it. To be a good enough mom and disciplinarian to correct the issues. I mean, what kind of mom am I if I can’t help my kid through some behavioral problems?

I have been told countless times that it is a reflection of my "bad parenting" that I am a "bad mom" or that I "don’t know how to discipline her right". So for a few years now I have had everyone blaming me and I have been too ashamed to ask for help.

Today, I called the pediatrician's office crying. I told the receptionist everything. I told her I felt like a failure, like I was a horrible mom. ... In short, I had a breakdown on the phone. I cried and apologized for crying and then cried some more. The receptionist could have tried to rush me off the phone and told me that it wasn’t worth crying about. She didn’t. Instead, she told me that I’m not a bad mom, because a bad mom would not ask for help. She told me that I’m not a bad mom because a bad mom wouldn't be in tears, loving her child so much and so desperate for help. She told me that I’m not a failure because a failure would not still be trying. She told me that I am not alone. that there are other mom's out there dealing with some of these same issues and that it's ok to cry but that it's not my fault and I shouldn’t blame myself.

She made an appointment for tomorrow morning at 8 am. I am terrified to go. I’m still so scared that someone will think I am a bad mom and try to take my kids. I am more scared to not go, to just keep fighting this battle alone. I am scared of my daughter hurting herself or a family member or a classmate. I am scared of eventually resenting my daughter, of us not having a healthy relationship as she grows older. I’m scared of so many things. 

I feel like a bomb went off this morning and I’m standing here looking at the devastation, frozen, terrified, in shock, trying to figure out what to do. And I have called out for help in a foreign land of medical professionals. I can only hope and pray that the person who is answering my call in the morning is a comrade, and not an enemy.